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Send FRIEND YOUR JOKES Read the latest...
If you've ever been to one of our Friend Entertainment shows, you know how I love to tell jokes. People always ask me "where did you get that joke from", or "could you send that joke to me" or "Norm, have you heard this one?" Now we are going to make it even more fun! If you send me a joke and I choose to use it on stage, you will win 2 FREE TICKETS to a show, and I will introduce you and your "joke" to the audience. —Norman
Can you make us laugh? Give it a shot, and who knows, maybe you'll be
able to jump up from your seat and say, "Hey! That's My JOKE!"
We want to hear from you! Send your JOKES TODAY!
Jimmy Van
A wealthy Southampton woman goes into a local duck farm. A young man standing behind the counter says "Can I help you?" The woman says she would like a fresh Long Island duck. The boy goes into the freezer and brings out a duck. The woman demands to see the duck. She opens the ducks legs and puts her hand inside the duck. "No, she says, this is a Jersey duck !! The young man begins to lose patience with her. He goes back into the freezer and brings out another duck.He says, "fresh Long Island duck". The woman opens the duck's legs and puts her hand up inside this duck. "No, she says, this is a Connecticut duck!" The boy becomes more and more frustrated. Walks back into the freezer and grabs the last duck. Here, he says, a fresh LONG ISLAND DUCK. Once again the woman stops the boy and proceeds to open its legs and puts her hand inside the duck. "Yes, finally a fresh LONG ISLAND Duck, I'll take it". The worker begins to wrap up the duck muttering to himself. The woman comments that she did not like his attitude and tone of voice. She says "I do not appreciate your sarcasm. You must be summer help?" He acknowledges that he is. She asks where he is from? The boy pulls down his pants, turns around, and bends over.and says...."HERE, YOU TELL ME!".
Jim Van Nostrand |
Judith Kiefer
New Wine for SENIORS
California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as...
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
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Bonnie Fogel
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "its only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there'" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."
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MARGIE ROBINS
Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:
"Good trade."
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Mary Ann DeBene..........
3 old ladies named Gracie, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park
bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from
across
the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them
and
opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, Bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't
reach
that far.
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Jay Morse
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it. " The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little
Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you
telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"
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ALAN FRIEDENTHAL
A GUY AND GIRL ARE GOING AT IT PRETTY HOT 'N HEAVY IN THE BACKSEAT OF HIS CAR...WHEN THEY'RE DONE, HE SAYS TO HER: "IF I'D KNOWN YOU WERE A VIRGIN, I WOULD HAVE GONE A LOT SLOWER." SHE REPLIES: "IF I'D KNOWN YOU WERE IN SUCH A HURRY, I WOULD HAVE TAKEN OFF MY PANTYHOSE!" |
Rachel
Blonde gets on a horse and wants to show how well she can ride. She puts her feet in the stirrups and horse begins a steady gallop, saddle begins to slide to one side and blonde slides with the saddle. Blonde's head is like BAM BAM hitting the ground...she's screamin out loud for help. The horse breaks in for a fast run, blonde is screamin her lungs out for help. Her head and body taking a full beating..........
This is when Fred, the WalMart greeter strolls thru the door and unplugs the horse.
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If u choose this joke .....maybe u could raffle this pair of tickets :) or give to someone less fortunate as I'm in Kentucky :) Keep the doowop comin !!!
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Rachel
Blonde gets on a horse and wants to show how well she can ride. She puts her feet in the stirrups and horse begins a steady gallop, saddle begins to slide to one side and blonde slides with the saddle. Blonde's head is like BAM BAM hitting the ground...she's screamin out loud for help. The horse breaks in for a fast run, blonde is screamin her lungs out for help. Her head and body taking a full beating...
This is when Fred, the WalMart greeter strolls thru the door and unplugs the horse.
***If u choose this joke .....maybe u could raffle this pair of tickets :) or give to someone less fortunate as I'm in Kentucky :) Keep the doowop comin!
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steven waldman
what do you getin common with a soda machine an monica lewisky
please insert a bill
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Mary Ann Debenedetto
IRISH GAS STATION
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything." |
Sheldon Steinberg
92 year old jake comes home opens the door and hears his wife Sadie yelling down from upstairs. Jake I want you to run up the stairs take me in your arms and make passionate love to me. Jake yells back, one or the other I can't do both. |
Chad Siniscalchi
MA guy named Kenny is sitting in a bar talking to a bunch of friends. During the conversation, Kenny and a few drunks start talking and fighting about who knows more people. Finally, the drunks agree to see how many people Kenny actually knows. They bet him that he won't know the first person they see in the streets. The man says, "What's up Ken?" They, then, bet him that he doesn't know the president, so they drive up to The White House and a limo pulls up and the president says, "How are things going, Kenny?" Finally, they make one final bet and say Kenny Doesn't know the Pope. So they fly to Rome and Kenny says to the drunks "Keep your eyes on that balcony up there. I am going to come out of there with the Pope. He goes up there and sees all the drunks passed out on the floor and says, "What are you too drunk to stand or too surprised that I know the Pope. They respond "Neither, Someone walked behind us and said whose that guy up there with Kenny?"
Hope you like it and I have never been to a show before but would like to. My parents never bought tickets like I told them too but if I win Maybe They will listen. Thanks. Chad
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